Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Posts Tagged: padme

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Jar Jar Binks is aboard Queen Amidala’s royal starship, holding on for dear life as the cruiser busts past the Neimoidian blockade. It’s Jar Jar’s first experience with space travel, and his ears are popping horribly.

“Ex-squeeze me,” he asks his fellow passengers, “do yousa have anything that might help mesa ears?”

Padme stands up and hands him a stick of chewing gum. “That should do the trick,” she explains.

Jar Jar is quiet for the rest of the flight, but when they finally land on Tatooine, he goes back to Padme. “Muy muy thanks for the gum,” he says, “but do yousa know how to get it out of mesa ears?”

Limerick Friday!

Limerick Friday!

Limerick Friday!

Limerick Friday!

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Here in the ol’ US of A, we always seem to be in the midst of an election season — meaning we’re constantly barraged with campaign promises, debates, and mudslinging. But in Star Wars, though we meet a lot of politicians, we never get to see how they made it into office. So in the spirit of democracy, here are…

The Top Ten Campaign Slogans from the Star Wars Galaxy

(drumroll please)

#10 —- Princess Leia: She’s not a committee.

#9 —- Mon Mothma: Endorsed by schoolteachers, unions, and many Bothans.

#8 —- Lando Calrissian: The respectable one.

#7 —- Darth Vader: Together, we can rule the galaxy.

#6 —- Jar Jar Binks: A peko-peko in every pot, a heyblibber in every heyblibber-holding-area-thing…oosa.

#5 —- Padme Amidala: Changing more than just her wardrobe.

#4 —- Chewbacca: Ohoooh, ah oarawh’ao rhwoanahwohowo rooohu aorcrawhcanraaowowa aoacahc.

#3 —- General Dodonna: Freedom from oppression. Freedom from tyranny. Freedom from haircuts.

#2 —- Poggle: The lesser of two evils.

And the #1 Star Wars campaign slogan is —- Bail Organa: I promise our planet won’t blow up.

Limerick Friday!

Limerick Friday!

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Like any government, the Old Republic had rules, ancient laws which formed the basis for a civil society. Equally wise and confounding, specific and obscure, nobody is quite sure where these decrees originated — all we know for certain is that there are ten of them. Ten rules… ten laws… ten commandments.

And so, at the risk of some sorta heresy, here are:

The Top Ten Commandments of the Star Wars Galaxy

(drumroll please)

#10 —- Thou Shalt Not Use The Force In Vain.

#9 —- Thou Shalt Not Worship Protocol Droids, No Matter How Shiny.

#8 —- Remember The Death Star, And Keep It Holey.

#7 —- Thou Shalt Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.

#6 —- Thou Shalt Not Kidnap… I’m Looking At You, Sand People!

#5 —- Honor Thy Mother And, If Applicable, Thy Father.

#4 —- Thou Shalt Not Shoot First.*

#3 —- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighboring Planet’s Senator, Nor Thy Sister, You Perveth.

#2 —- Thou Shalt Not Bear False Wicket.

And the #1 Star Wars Commandment is —- Thou Shalt Not Applaud As Liberty Dies.

*this translation is under dispute

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The internet is all abuzz over the news that Raiders of the Lost Ark is coming back to the theaters — and in IMAX, no less! Say it with me: that’s a big boulder.

Naturally, Star Wars fans love Indiana Jones because it’s a unique collaboration between those two titans of the silver screen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.  But one must imagine… what would have happened had these artists worked together even before Raiders? How might such cinematic synergy have altered our beloved space opera?  (I mean, in addition to this.)

And so, let’s examine…

The Top Ten Changes Had The Star Wars Saga Been Directed By Steven Spielberg

(drumroll please)

#10 —- All the films are still scored by John Williams — except for Episode II, which was done by Quincy Jones

#9 —- In the SE, all blasters are replaced with walkie-talkies

#8 —- Stormtroopers wear black boots, half-helmets, arm bands… oh hell, they’re just Nazis

#7 —- The Rebel Alliance was started by one Senator Grebleips

#6 —- We never actually see the Colo claw fish, only its fin

#5 —- Mace Windu keeps telling everyone to hold onto their butts

#4 —- Robin Williams gets cast as Jar Jar Binks

#3 —- Darth Vader didn’t kill Padme, they just got divorced

#2 —- During the ANH end celebration, Owen and Beru step out, alive and well

And the #1 change had Spielberg directed the saga is —- Episode I: Qui-Gon’s List

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When Padme went into Labor
The Jedi attempted to save her
But try as they might
Natalie died
And was replaced by Catherine Taber

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Anakin and Padmé sneak out for a rare evening together, and take in a show at the Coruscant Opera House. During intermission, though, Padmé notices something out of the ordinary.

“Ani,” she begins, “there’s a woman over there who keeps staring at you… and I think she just waved in our direction!”

“Her? That’s just my mistress,” replies Anakin.

Padmé is shocked. “Your mistress?”

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” he continues. “All the Jedi keep them. That’s the only reason I have her — so that people won’t suspect that you and I are married.”

“Oh,” mutters Padmé, “in that case… I suppose it’s okay.”

A few minutes pass, but Padmé’s still staring across the aisle. “Ani, who’s that other woman next to her?”

Anakin squints his eyes. “Um, that’s Obi-Wan’s mistress, I believe.”

“Y’know,” says Padmé, “ours is prettier.”