Star Wars Joke-A-Day

Jar Jar Binks is aboard Queen Amidala’s royal starship, holding on for dear life as the cruiser busts past the Neimoidian blockade. It’s Jar Jar’s first experience with space travel, and his ears are popping horribly.

“Ex-squeeze me,” he asks his fellow passengers, “do yousa have anything that might help mesa ears?”

Padme stands up and hands him a stick of chewing gum. “That should do the trick,” she explains.

Jar Jar is quiet for the rest of the flight, but when they finally land on Tatooine, he goes back to Padme. “Muy muy thanks for the gum,” he says, “but do yousa know how to get it out of mesa ears?”

If there’s one thing we can learn from the end of a Star Wars movie, it’s that folks in the GFFA love a good celebration. And what better excuse to get down and funky than by marking the passage of time? Sure, they don’t use the Gregorian calendar, but that doesn’t stop ‘em from partying like it’s 1999… with their own unique ways of ringing in the New Year!

And so, let’s start the countdown for…

The Top Ten New Year’s Traditions in the Star Wars Galaxy

(drumroll please)

#10 —- The Empire explodes some fireworks, followed by Alderaan.

#9 —- Luke kisses Leia at midnight. Because it was New Year’s. Yeah, that’s the reason.

#8 —- Uncle Owen gets plastered, hits on C-3PO.

#7 —- Lando files paperwork declaring Cloud City to be a non-profit medical clinic/religious seminary/orphanage.

#6 —- Jar Jar uses his tongue as a noisemaker. That’s what he told the judge, anyway.

#5 —- The giant ball drops… onto Endor, killing millions of Ewoks.

#4 —- Count Dooku realizes that he’s still writing “35 BBY” on all his checks.

#3 —- Darth Vader resolves to stop choking so many officers. And to finally use to that gym on the Death Star. Otherwise, that stupid membership is just taking up room on his keychain.

#2 —- Nute Gunray goes to sleep early, then wakes up to watch the Rose Parade alone. So very alone.

And the #1 Star Wars New Year’s tradition is —- singing Mauld Lang Syne!

Here in the ol’ US of A, we always seem to be in the midst of an election season — meaning we’re constantly barraged with campaign promises, debates, and mudslinging. But in Star Wars, though we meet a lot of politicians, we never get to see how they made it into office. So in the spirit of democracy, here are…

The Top Ten Campaign Slogans from the Star Wars Galaxy

(drumroll please)

#10 —- Princess Leia: She’s not a committee.

#9 —- Mon Mothma: Endorsed by schoolteachers, unions, and many Bothans.

#8 —- Lando Calrissian: The respectable one.

#7 —- Darth Vader: Together, we can rule the galaxy.

#6 —- Jar Jar Binks: A peko-peko in every pot, a heyblibber in every heyblibber-holding-area-thing…oosa.

#5 —- Padme Amidala: Changing more than just her wardrobe.

#4 —- Chewbacca: Ohoooh, ah oarawh’ao rhwoanahwohowo rooohu aorcrawhcanraaowowa aoacahc.

#3 —- General Dodonna: Freedom from oppression. Freedom from tyranny. Freedom from haircuts.

#2 —- Poggle: The lesser of two evils.

And the #1 Star Wars campaign slogan is —- Bail Organa: I promise our planet won’t blow up.

The internet is all abuzz over the news that Raiders of the Lost Ark is coming back to the theaters — and in IMAX, no less! Say it with me: that’s a big boulder.

Naturally, Star Wars fans love Indiana Jones because it’s a unique collaboration between those two titans of the silver screen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.  But one must imagine… what would have happened had these artists worked together even before Raiders? How might such cinematic synergy have altered our beloved space opera?  (I mean, in addition to this.)

And so, let’s examine…

The Top Ten Changes Had The Star Wars Saga Been Directed By Steven Spielberg

(drumroll please)

#10 —- All the films are still scored by John Williams — except for Episode II, which was done by Quincy Jones

#9 —- In the SE, all blasters are replaced with walkie-talkies

#8 —- Stormtroopers wear black boots, half-helmets, arm bands… oh hell, they’re just Nazis

#7 —- The Rebel Alliance was started by one Senator Grebleips

#6 —- We never actually see the Colo claw fish, only its fin

#5 —- Mace Windu keeps telling everyone to hold onto their butts

#4 —- Robin Williams gets cast as Jar Jar Binks

#3 —- Darth Vader didn’t kill Padme, they just got divorced

#2 —- During the ANH end celebration, Owen and Beru step out, alive and well

And the #1 change had Spielberg directed the saga is —- Episode I: Qui-Gon’s List

Wald mocked Anakin.
Luke was called “Wormie.”
Palpatine was always picked last in dodgeball.

Alright, so I’m guessing on that last one. But clearly, kids can be cruel, even in a galaxy far, far away. So SWJAD has compiled its first top ten list, namely…

The Top Ten Star Wars Childhood Nicknames

(drumroll please)

#10 —- Wedgie Antilles!

#9 —- Puke Gunray!

#8 —- Droopy McDrool!

#7 —- Obi-Dumb Kenobi!

#6 —- Jabba the Butt!

#5 —- Poggle the Nothin’!

#4 —- Tawfful!

#3 —- Barbara Binks!

#2 —- Big Fartlighter!

And the #1 Star Wars Childhood Nickname is —- Count Poodoo!