Sitting alone in his court
Jabba called for an escort
But wires were crossed
And something got lost
And the service sent him a worrt
The cool thing about books such as Obsessed with Star Wars, You Can Draw Star Wars, and Mad About Star Wars (all of which I highly recommend) is that they have some equally-cool stepbrothers across the pop culture spectrum. For example, there’s Obsessed with Baseball, You Can Draw: Transformers, and Mad About the Sixties.
But the fine folks at LucasBooks and Lucas Licensing don’t just approve every crossover idea submitted for their approval… in fact, plenty of fascinating book treatments were quickly rejected, then never heard from again.
Until now, of course! So join me, will you, as we run down…
The Top Ten Unpublished Star Wars Crossover Books
#10 —- Force-Choking for Dummies
#9 —- Jabba the Hutt’s Ultimate Weight Loss Solution
#8 —- The Secret of the Missing Cloner Planet: A Nancy Drew Mystery
#7 —- Grand Master Yoda’s SAT Prep POWER!
#6 —- Tuesdays with Wookiee
#5 —- Chicken Soup for the Moisture Farmer’s Soul
#4 —- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Sith Lords
#3 —- The Baby-Slayers Club #12: Ani Makes a Mess
#2 —- Where’s Wald?
And the #1 unpublished Star Wars crossover is —- The Holy Bible: Boss Nass Version
Jabba lets Salacious Crumb off work for a few days to attend the annual Jesters Convention on his home planet of Kowak. It’s Crumb’s first time going to the famous gathering, and he’s extremely excited.
But when he finally arrives at the convention hall, Crumb doesn’t know what to make of it. Hundreds of monkey-lizards are standing around silently, until one raises his hand and yells out: “forty-six!”
The crowd explodes in laughter.
“Mwah-hahahahaha!” seems to echo on and on… until another monkey-lizard raises his hand and shouts “seventy-nine!”
Again, the room erupts with cackles — from everyone except Salacious, who stands there dumbfounded. “Excuse me,” he asks the monkey-lizard to his right, “what’s with all the numbers?”
“Oh,” explains the monkey-lizard, “that’s just our system. Y’see, we’ve been coming to this convention for so long, and been telling these jokes for so long, that we finally just assigned each joke a number. It saves a lot of time.”
“I get it now,” says Crumb happily, “thanks so much!” And without missing a beat, he raises his hand and screams “fifty-one!”
Silence. Not one chuckle from an entire room of monkey-lizards.
Salacious is panicked, and turns back to the jester on his right. “What happened,” Crumb asks, “was the joke that bad?”
“No, the joke was fine,” comes the reply, “but you told it all wrong.”
Wald mocked Anakin.
Luke was called “Wormie.”
Palpatine was always picked last in dodgeball.
Alright, so I’m guessing on that last one. But clearly, kids can be cruel, even in a galaxy far, far away. So SWJAD has compiled its first top ten list, namely…
The Top Ten Star Wars Childhood Nicknames
#10 —- Wedgie Antilles!
#9 —- Puke Gunray!
#8 —- Droopy McDrool!
#7 —- Obi-Dumb Kenobi!
#6 —- Jabba the Butt!
#5 —- Poggle the Nothin’!
#4 —- Tawfful!
#3 —- Barbara Binks!
#2 —- Big Fartlighter!
And the #1 Star Wars Childhood Nickname is —- Count Poodoo!