For those of you living under a bantha, there’s been a lot of Star Wars news lately.
The director of Episode VII was revealed, followed a day later by confirmation from Lucasfilm. Then we heard that Episodes II and III will not be coming out in 3D this year, which was verified almost instantly.
So why wait for the next rumor to prove true? Thanks to my crack staff of industry spies, I can tell you now what everyone else will be talking about tomorrow. Presenting…
The Top Ten Soon-To-Be-Confirmed Star Wars Rumors
#10 —- Several big names will definitely appear in Episode VII: Harrison Ford, Anthony Daniels, and Samuel L. Jackson’s right arm.
#9 —- The Star Wars live-action series has been retooled as the 16th season of Dancing with the Stars.
#8 —- Part of J.J. Abrams’ contract stipulates that he must remake The Star Wars Holiday Special. It will last six seasons, but Chewbacca never makes it home.
#7 —- In order to concentrate on Episode VII, Lucasfilm also postpones the premiere of Star Wars Detours, the Blu-ray of Willow, and the 3D re-release of Radioland Murders.
#6 —- The Clone Wars will indeed move to Disney XD, where it is unexpectedly paired with reruns of Law & Order: SVU.
#5 —- “The Wedding of George & Mellody” will be broadcast live on ABC, followed by an uncomfortable “reunion special” with Gary Kurtz and David Prowse.
#4 —- Dark Horse retains the rights to publish Star Wars comics, but only after agreeing to an awkward crossover involving The Avengers and Scrooge McDuck.
#3 —- Zach Snyder’s “Seven Jedi” movie gets the green light. It is immediately disowned by a confused Alan Moore.
#2 —- Disney reveals plans to build a theme park entirely devoted to Star Wars. They have hired Busch Gardens’ creative director to make it happen.
And the #1 soon-to-be-confirmed rumor is —- Episodes X thru XII are a go!
The internet is all abuzz over the news that Raiders of the Lost Ark is coming back to the theaters — and in IMAX, no less! Say it with me: that’s a big boulder.
Naturally, Star Wars fans love Indiana Jones because it’s a unique collaboration between those two titans of the silver screen, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. But one must imagine… what would have happened had these artists worked together even before Raiders? How might such cinematic synergy have altered our beloved space opera? (I mean, in addition to this.)
And so, let’s examine…
The Top Ten Changes Had The Star Wars Saga Been Directed By Steven Spielberg
#10 —- All the films are still scored by John Williams — except for Episode II, which was done by Quincy Jones
#9 —- In the SE, all blasters are replaced with walkie-talkies
#8 —- Stormtroopers wear black boots, half-helmets, arm bands… oh hell, they’re just Nazis
#7 —- The Rebel Alliance was started by one Senator Grebleips
#6 —- We never actually see the Colo claw fish, only its fin
#5 —- Mace Windu keeps telling everyone to hold onto their butts
#4 —- Robin Williams gets cast as Jar Jar Binks
#3 —- Darth Vader didn’t kill Padme, they just got divorced
#2 —- During the ANH end celebration, Owen and Beru step out, alive and well
And the #1 change had Spielberg directed the saga is —- Episode I: Qui-Gon’s List
This year’s hottest Star Wars party starts two weeks from today in Florida! And at this convention, they’re bringing back one of the big hits from the last Celebration: Star Wars Speed Dating!
I’ve never been on a speed date (in fact, most girls would describe their time with me as “agonizingly slow”), but I did eavesdrop on a few brave souls during Celebration V. And what did I hear?
Let me tell you. Presenting…
The Top Ten Things Overheard at Star Wars Speed Dating
#10 —- “Honestly, doing this was the only way my mom would pay for my trip.”
#9 —- “What are your feelings about metal bikinis?”
#8 —- “Perhaps you know me by my Twitter name…”
#7 —- “Before we go any further, are you sure you’re not adopted?”
#6 —- “Actually, I’d prefer to keep the helmet on.”
#5 —- “Listen, I’ve got 75 bucks and an appointment at the Commitment Chapel in half an hour. What do you say?”
#4 —- “I’m looking for a guy who will nurture and appreciate my Nien Nunb fetish.”
#3 —- “Is blue your natural skin tone?”
#2 —- “I’m sorry, I just can’t go out with someone who thinks that Caravan of Courage is better than Battle for Endor.”
And the #1 thing overheard at Star Wars Speed Dating is —- “I know.”