If there’s one thing we can learn from the end of a Star Wars movie, it’s that folks in the GFFA love a good celebration. And what better excuse to get down and funky than by marking the passage of time? Sure, they don’t use the Gregorian calendar, but that doesn’t stop ‘em from partying like it’s 1999… with their own unique ways of ringing in the New Year!
And so, let’s start the countdown for…
The Top Ten New Year’s Traditions in the Star Wars Galaxy
#10 —- The Empire explodes some fireworks, followed by Alderaan.
#9 —- Luke kisses Leia at midnight. Because it was New Year’s. Yeah, that’s the reason.
#8 —- Uncle Owen gets plastered, hits on C-3PO.
#7 —- Lando files paperwork declaring Cloud City to be a non-profit medical clinic/religious seminary/orphanage.
#6 —- Jar Jar uses his tongue as a noisemaker. That’s what he told the judge, anyway.
#5 —- The giant ball drops… onto Endor, killing millions of Ewoks.
#4 —- Count Dooku realizes that he’s still writing “35 BBY” on all his checks.
#3 —- Darth Vader resolves to stop choking so many officers. And to finally use to that gym on the Death Star. Otherwise, that stupid membership is just taking up room on his keychain.
#2 —- Nute Gunray goes to sleep early, then wakes up to watch the Rose Parade alone. So very alone.
And the #1 Star Wars New Year’s tradition is —- singing Mauld Lang Syne!
Merry Christmas from Wampa Claws! (Original art by the great Neil Baker.)
Like any government, the Old Republic had rules, ancient laws which formed the basis for a civil society. Equally wise and confounding, specific and obscure, nobody is quite sure where these decrees originated — all we know for certain is that there are ten of them. Ten rules… ten laws… ten commandments.
And so, at the risk of some sorta heresy, here are:
The Top Ten Commandments of the Star Wars Galaxy
#10 —- Thou Shalt Not Use The Force In Vain.
#9 —- Thou Shalt Not Worship Protocol Droids, No Matter How Shiny.
#8 —- Remember The Death Star, And Keep It Holey.
#7 —- Thou Shalt Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.
#6 —- Thou Shalt Not Kidnap… I’m Looking At You, Sand People!
#5 —- Honor Thy Mother And, If Applicable, Thy Father.
#4 —- Thou Shalt Not Shoot First.*
#3 —- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighboring Planet’s Senator, Nor Thy Sister, You Perveth.
#2 —- Thou Shalt Not Bear False Wicket.
And the #1 Star Wars Commandment is —- Thou Shalt Not Applaud As Liberty Dies.
*this translation is under dispute