Star Wars Joke-A-Day

Like any government, the Old Republic had rules, ancient laws which formed the basis for a civil society. Equally wise and confounding, specific and obscure, nobody is quite sure where these decrees originated — all we know for certain is that there are ten of them. Ten rules… ten laws… ten commandments.

And so, at the risk of some sorta heresy, here are:

The Top Ten Commandments of the Star Wars Galaxy

(drumroll please)

#10 —- Thou Shalt Not Use The Force In Vain.

#9 —- Thou Shalt Not Worship Protocol Droids, No Matter How Shiny.

#8 —- Remember The Death Star, And Keep It Holey.

#7 —- Thou Shalt Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.

#6 —- Thou Shalt Not Kidnap… I’m Looking At You, Sand People!

#5 —- Honor Thy Mother And, If Applicable, Thy Father.

#4 —- Thou Shalt Not Shoot First.*

#3 —- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighboring Planet’s Senator, Nor Thy Sister, You Perveth.

#2 —- Thou Shalt Not Bear False Wicket.

And the #1 Star Wars Commandment is —- Thou Shalt Not Applaud As Liberty Dies.

*this translation is under dispute

(another weekend rerun now in convenient jpg form)

We all remember the actors…the skilled technicians… and the Special Effects artists…

But let’s take a moment to honor the unsung heroes of Star Wars — those who were unafraid to voice their concerns, and offered helpful hints to make the Galaxy Far, Far Away an even richer moviegoing experience.

Yes, dear friends, I speak of the Studio Executives. My mind turned to them after discovering a 1976 memo from several execs to George Lucas himself, replete with ideas aimed to improve his little space opera.

Gleaned from that piece of long-lost cinematic history, here are…

The Top Ten Studio Suggestions For Star Wars

(drumroll please)

#10 —- With a few more lights, Death Star would look like a disco ball!

#9 —- “Wookey” sounds weird. Maybe “Space Hippie” instead?

#8 —- Already talked with Pepsi about product placement… nothing obvious, just a Dr. Pepper sign behind the bar. And on the bar glasses. And Han’s shirt.

#7 —- Ballad for end credits? Joan Baez is under contract.

#6 —- Re-dub baddies in Austrian accents.

#5 —- Does Luke’s uncle have a drinking problem? I think he does.

#4 —- LOVE the gal who doesn’t wear a bra. I’m thinking her whole planet refuses to wear bras. Maybe a scene where they burn them? Just a thought.

#3 —- The robots need a love scene. Or two.

#2 —- Is there a role for James Caan? How about as a Space Hippie?

And the #1 studio suggestion is —- Helmets are out. Give Dark Vader an afro.

How many battle droids does it take to change a lightbulb?

One… er, uh, two… uhhhhhhhhhh — you’re under arrest!