Like any government, the Old Republic had rules, ancient laws which formed the basis for a civil society. Equally wise and confounding, specific and obscure, nobody is quite sure where these decrees originated — all we know for certain is that there are ten of them. Ten rules… ten laws… ten commandments.
And so, at the risk of some sorta heresy, here are:
The Top Ten Commandments of the Star Wars Galaxy
#10 —- Thou Shalt Not Use The Force In Vain.
#9 —- Thou Shalt Not Worship Protocol Droids, No Matter How Shiny.
#8 —- Remember The Death Star, And Keep It Holey.
#7 —- Thou Shalt Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love.
#6 —- Thou Shalt Not Kidnap… I’m Looking At You, Sand People!
#5 —- Honor Thy Mother And, If Applicable, Thy Father.
#4 —- Thou Shalt Not Shoot First.*
#3 —- Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighboring Planet’s Senator, Nor Thy Sister, You Perveth.
#2 —- Thou Shalt Not Bear False Wicket.
And the #1 Star Wars Commandment is —- Thou Shalt Not Applaud As Liberty Dies.
*this translation is under dispute
We all remember the actors…the skilled technicians… and the Special Effects artists…
But let’s take a moment to honor the unsung heroes of Star Wars — those who were unafraid to voice their concerns, and offered helpful hints to make the Galaxy Far, Far Away an even richer moviegoing experience.
Yes, dear friends, I speak of the Studio Executives. My mind turned to them after discovering a 1976 memo from several execs to George Lucas himself, replete with ideas aimed to improve his little space opera.
Gleaned from that piece of long-lost cinematic history, here are…
The Top Ten Studio Suggestions For Star Wars
#10 —- With a few more lights, Death Star would look like a disco ball!
#9 —- “Wookey” sounds weird. Maybe “Space Hippie” instead?
#8 —- Already talked with Pepsi about product placement… nothing obvious, just a Dr. Pepper sign behind the bar. And on the bar glasses. And Han’s shirt.
#7 —- Ballad for end credits? Joan Baez is under contract.
#6 —- Re-dub baddies in Austrian accents.
#5 —- Does Luke’s uncle have a drinking problem? I think he does.
#4 —- LOVE the gal who doesn’t wear a bra. I’m thinking her whole planet refuses to wear bras. Maybe a scene where they burn them? Just a thought.
#3 —- The robots need a love scene. Or two.
#2 —- Is there a role for James Caan? How about as a Space Hippie?
And the #1 studio suggestion is —- Helmets are out. Give Dark Vader an afro.